After the epic cup win over Thundridge 2 weeks ago, County had a weekend off as most of the team went on Evitt’s stag do to Bournemouth and as expected, none of us pulled (told you had nothing to worry about Dawn as Darren walked round in shorts and flip flops all weekend and a few people tried to buy the Big Issue from him).

It was an eventful weekend starting with the lovely hotel Woody picked out for us, straight out of the Only Fools and Horses school of hotels which included some old bird having a heart attack in the hotel bar (no it wasn’t Whitey) on the Friday night, Gordon Bennett (the hotel cabaret) had to stop playing with his organ (dirty old man) whilst the paramedic whisked her away, the rumour was too much sherry and far too much blue rinse. Guinness was then stupid enough to eat a raw sausage from the lovely hotel breakfast in the morning where several people were wearing bad golf clobber, the same people then wore even worse clobber to the nightclub in the evening where Fowler got annihilated by the comedian. The highlight of the weekend (no boys it wasn’t the ‘Your Eyes Only club’ or ‘12a Norwich St’) was Evitt totally pis*sed out of his head at the club and Dave Carter pouring Sambuca into his mouth as Evitts arms were not working to stop him, he was definitely going to feel that in the morning.

Anyway, back to this week’s game where we were up against Roydon Spartans, they sound very Gladiator like but were just a bunch of young skinny whipper snappers (the complete opposite of us then) who as usual were overheard saying we are playing against a bunch of old men, don’t they realise Earoles, Snails and Tiger have feelings.

Earoles again had 15 players available for this game which meant Kofi …ooops I meant somebody would be missing out. Tony was away in Miami experiencing trans Atlantic shopping malls, he may be away for some time based on the size of some of those malls and Butler was probably still looking for somewhere to live.

The ref was very organised for this game and advised us beforehand that he will not tolerate being shouted or swore at, at which point Manno called him a cu*t (charming). He then said all rings must be removed and not taped up, Alan thought it was Christmas cracker time and rolled off several ring jokes including my favourite ‘I have some Vaseline if your ring is too tight’.

Matt decided to play tinkerman and changed the formation, Snails was in goal, Tiger right back and Neil left back, Matt and Manno in the middle. There were 5 across the midfield with Alan, Lee and Darren in the middle with Ben and Darren on the wings, leaving Barry up front. Subs were Kofi (who did a great impression of Jay Z with his sunglasses), Brooksey (who did a great impression of Phil Mitchell in his sun glasses), Steve M and Stevie J (who both did great impressions of grey haired old men).

County were 1-0 down after 20 mins, a cross from the left was headed goalwards from the Roydon striker from the edge of the box after Neil didn’t get close enough to him (I couldn’t see it in the sun but I think he used my gut as a sun shield), the ball looped over Snails who was standing on his goal line, don’t think he meant to score, 0-1.

Roydon should have had a penalty shortly afterwards when snails did his WWF speciality clothes line move and flattened the Roydon striker after he had fumbled the ball, the ref waved played on but snails was hurt. When he removed his glove he had dislocated a finger on his right hand, the tip was now pointing the wrong way, when we realised it was his foreplay finger, Alan said he may now finally be able to find Sarah’s sweet spot (cant put that word into the report as there are ladies reading), better hope our wives don’t start accidentally breaking our fingers.

Stevie J came on in goal to replace the foreplay challenged Snails with 25 mins of the first half remaining and immediately his kicking was as bad as it was in the Buntingford game. The game was starting to get a bit dirty and Darren White was lucky not to get booked when he went in studs up on the Roydon player. The mouthy Roydon player got booked shortly after getting tackled and moaning too much to the ref, you were warned.

We had a few chances to equalize with Barry going close and Ben having a cross/shot which went across the face of the goal with the ball begging to be hit into the net.

Roydon should have been 2-0 up before the break, the player who scored the lucky header trod on the ball when trying to pass it, it fell nicely inside and he hit a low cross towards goal which the County defence thought was going harmlessly out, a Roydon player crept in at the back post and somehow managed to hit it over the bar from 4 yards, awful miss of Stevie J magnitude.

Matt made some changes at half time and went back to the trusted 4-4-2 formation. Tiger came off and Ben dropped to right back, Darren Willson moved out to right midfield and Steve Martin went up front.

We were holding our own and containing Roydon when disaster struck, after a Roydon cross came to nothing Matt had the ball near our 6 yard box, his clearance hit Ben and fell straight to the Roydon striker who struck the ball goalwards, it bounced off Ben again sending Stevie J the wrong way, 0-2.

Matt went off with 20 mins to go after getting kicked in the face (that will please Pagey after the concussion); Brooksey came on up front with County reverting to 3 at the back. Within 5 mins the game as over, a long ball over the top, the mouthy Roydon striker ran between Ben and Manno and slotted past Stevie J, a good goal, 0-3.

Barry did well late on when he went past 3 players in the box but got tackled with a lucky stick the leg out tackle, Barry wasn’t having that and stuck his own leg out but a little bit harder and just under the knee, yellow card and £8 fine.

Darren White still had time to take another player out and still didn’t get booked, Lee got booked for a mis-timed tackle or a well timed kick, I will let you decide which.

Congratulations to Man of the Match Lee who put in a great battling performance as did the rest of the team but we didn’t get the breaks today and we need to keep our composure a bit, not sure how Darren White never got booked, but I am sure he is happy not to have to pay £8. We are playing Roydon again next week in the cup and need a bit more luck if we are to progress to the next round.